he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
