Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
