For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
