If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
