My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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