do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
