is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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