what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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