Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
