she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
