We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize