Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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