I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
