how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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