i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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