If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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