Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
