He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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