I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
