I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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