You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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