i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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