Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
