is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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