Who did Billy Mays play for?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
