In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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