Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
