the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
