Pants 0. Shit 1.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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