Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
