end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
