God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
