good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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