after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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