you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize