How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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