I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
