Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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