i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
