I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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