Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Rumble strips road head = magical
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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