Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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