If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
