How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
please come you make the beer taste better
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
