So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
