The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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