Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize