I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
