Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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