a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
