so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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