I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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