I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
