a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize