Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
