im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
